Archive for the ‘Weather’ Category

The reason why this has “never been done before” is because…it’s stupid!

I wonder, what is the point of telling me the temperature when next to it you tell me what temperature it FEELS like? Isn’t that the point of telling me the temperature? I need to know whether I’m wearing flannel underwear or my mesh 80’s florescent camouflage pants today. Don’t make it complicated.

In fact, just tell me what to wear. That’s all I want to know anyway.

Today: Puffy Shirt, Long Johns, and Heavy Waterproof Jacket equipped with a pirate sword

Tonight: 80% Chance of finger gloves, snow boots, and ski mask.

The best way to boost your products awesomeness is to tag on a big number to the name that serves no meaning except “awesome” factor.

For instance, the news weather Doppler. “Live from the ‘Weather Doppler 7000’ report.”

What is this, a star speeder?  How do you figure 7000? It reminds me of the Super Soaker squirt guns when I was a kid. Remember? The Super Soaker 5000! Those numbers made it sound incredible, mainly because I couldn’t even count that high!

And then the network had to ‘up’ their “Doppler” for ratings. How do we make this Doppler better by not really making it better?

“Weather Doppler 7000+”….and then HD became the norm, so you guessed it…

”Weather Doppler 7000+ HD”…. but why stop there?

“Live Mega Doppler 7000 HD”

Now that sounds like a powerful squirt gun!

Rumors of the next Doppler are as followed…

“Super Mega Live Weather Doppler 7 BILLION+ HD-3D Deluxe w/ integrated Espresso”

And then, folks….maybe we’ll get the weather forecast right…

How can the weather forecaster expect to gain our trust when they’re giving false hope of rain with that “Chance of 30%” nonsense? What they’re subliminally telling you is, “There’s more of a chance that it’s not going to rain.” Tell you what; just give me the higher odds. “There’s an 85% chance there won’t be a cloud in the sky, and later this week you’ll see a 100% chance of sunshine.”

Ah confidence. That feels better.

Movie Rating

In this motion picture there will be extremely wet rain, unbelievably windy conditions, and astonishing dark clouds with chances of lightening that may be too intense for children under 13. Not only will there be intense weather, but there will be very bad intense weather.