Archive for the ‘Travel’ Category

A few months ago I attended a timeshare pitch and in return they gifted me a Las Vegas Getaway package. The very excited person I was opened the pamphlet to read the terms and conditions to redeeming this wonderful trip…

Here are the highlights…..and I’m not kidding…

1. Choice of Hotel

• Receive 3 night accommodations at Tropicana, Imperial Palace, or Palace Station.

…Or any other “dive” hotel in Vegas.

2. Included is the Excluded from the Included

• This offer does not include transportation. Anything not included is excluded.

Noted in case you’re an idiot

3. Planning your Vacation

• You must submit 3 travel dates with at least 22 days between these dates, excluding travel dates.
• All reservations must be requested and received in our office 60 days prior to the earliest travel date.
• Any and all cancellations must be submitted in written form ONLY and completed at least 45 days prior to your travel date to be eligible to rebook for a later date.

Oh, that’s it? Give me a second to get a map before I have to re-read this and follow this with a compass and protractor.

4. Customer Service

• Due to the large number of (attempted) travelers we prefer not to accept phone calls. (In fact, we won’t even provide a phone number)If you require additional information please write to the customer service department at the address provided on our Reservation Request Form.

Write? …With a Pencil? Using Stamps?

5. Company’s Guarantee

• We cannot be held responsible for mail delays, lost mail, cancelled itineraries, delays in travel, acts of God, terrorism, or anything else beyond our control.

So, just to set the record straight, you’re NOT responsible for God? Have you been accused of this before to where you actually notate it in your Terms and Conditions?

Needless to say folks…I have not gone on this ‘trip.’

You can view the actual Terms & Conditions here.

I was flipping through the channels the other night when I came across “Worst Case Scenario” with Bear Grylls, the “Man Vs Wild” guy. The show was going to give you a ‘worst case scenario’ and Bear was going to show you how to deal with the situation. I figured this could be insightful.

So here was the scenario:

Rattle snake bites a girl in a tent while camping. She’s hurt. Bear emerges out of the bush and says, “Don’t suck out the venom, it’ll poison you, too. The first thing you do is CALL 911.”

Wait, what? That’s the solution? Call 911? This is hardly a “Worst Case Scenario.” I thought I’d learn something here. Instead, I’ve got Captain Obvious wasting my time.

Worst Case would be:

“You’re in the middle of nowhere, there isn’t an ambulance nearby, and you don’t have a phone. The snake has returned with 5 buddies.  You, the last hope of survival, are attacked by 3 of the snakes while Sally gets mauled by the other 2. You both lay there in pain as the venom pumps through your veins…”

Go.

Now, that’s a Worst Case Scenario. Let’s see Bear deal with that.

So how about people telling you to be safe, you know, “Hey, be careful and drive safe on the road.” Foiled! My reckless intentions have been thwarted! Does anyone get into a risky situation and think, “Wait! I was told to be careful.”

My favorite line is,

“Have a safe flight.”

Yeah, okay… I’ll buckle my seat belt. That’s pretty much all I can do. There’s nothing more really, but preparing for disaster and understanding my seat doubles as a flotation device.

And there’s that cozy feeling of safety when the stewardess, with that sparkling smile, approaches that first time flier sitting next to the emergency exit, and says “Hi, you’re in charge of the emergency exit if this thing goes down in a fireball.”

The best advice someone can give you for a flight is, “Make sure your tray table is up and your seat is in the full up-right position.”